structure for my sanity's sake

building habits and making my passions feel like productivity.

As a self-identified and most type-A person I know, I discovered very early on in my life that structure makes my brain go ‘round. Every day has a ritual, every ritual with an order, every activity meticulously planned.

For some, this sounds like self-inflicted torture. When I reach out to friends to make plans days (this is good for me) or weeks in advance or write multi-paged and bulleted to-do lists, a calm serenity washes over me. When my alarm goes off at around the same time daily and I start my day with exercise,¹ I feel enthusiastic, not drained.

One of my favorite TikTok creators Timm Chiusano wakes up at around 3am each day, time blocking his every moment until he takes a final sip & bite of his nightly snack hour. When he began posting his daily routine, people immediately jumped on him, pointing fingers that he was romanticizing “hustle culture” and almost praying that he would soon experience burnout. Timm did recently quit his full-time job to focus on content creation and work for himself, but still keeps up his routines and rituals. While my schedule is nowhere near as detailed nor rigorous, I’ve been a fan of Timm’s commitment to self-betterment and dedication to making time for his non-negotiable routine. And not to armchair psychology him, but maybe he too thrives off of order and stability - sue us!

Upon my college graduation,² I launched into an intense job as an assistant/pseudo-chief of staff to an entertainment executive. My lifelong commitment to structure and perfection were now being rewarded with an actual job that paid me money! However, I quickly realized that I needed to prioritize myself at the same time as I prioritized the entire professional (and sometimes personal) life of someone else.

In May, I made it “off of the desk” and now have a much more self-contained & self-paced job. It’s still dizzyingly busy during the work days, but it feels different than anticipating the beginning syllables of my name being called, signaling a task that needs to be done yesterday.³

Now, with a bit of reflection and what you could call early New Year’s Resolutions, I’ve decided I need to add the same level of rigor to my personal hobbies as I do to my job and my “needs.” I also have a crippling fear of being bad at something, and putting myself out there in an imperfect way intimidates me. But, I do feel that studying writing in college and having my work on display for critique did light a fire for self-improvement within me, a fire that I’d like to rekindle.

So, with encouragement from one singular human in my life who told me she missed reading my writing,⁴ here is my Substack. It’s really for me, but also for you. Because I want to engage with the part of myself that loves to write, loves to be creative, and at my core, loves to learn & grow to be the best version of myself.

Because I am myself, I would like to set guidelines and goals:

1. I will try to post once a week.

2. I will treat this as a publication and not a diary entry (journalistic standards and practices!).

3. I will HAVE FUN DOING THIS⁵ because doing things for nothing other than pure enjoyment and self-improvement reasons is awesome.

I know that we all have so many digital platforms now, and I completely understand that this is simply another one to add to the digest. However, this is not required reading for a class and I will not hunt you down and ask if you’ve read my Substack.⁶

Sometimes, this will be feelings, sometimes rants (they will be well-organized), sometimes pop culture digests, or lists of things (I famously love lists). Who’s to say what my brain will decide to allow for public consumption, but whatever it may be, I hope you find something in it that you relate to, understand, or even like.

Here’s to striking a match & relighting a fire.

This is one of my favorite photos of me around age 7 reading TV Guide of my own volition. I love how curiously passionate little me was. Trying to find that version of me again!

1. I swear the endorphins thing is real, friends. I hate to sound like an asshole about it, but it’s really ~for my mental health~

2. No, but actually 1 single day after college graduation…

3. I also did LOVE being an assistant, but I would get into my car every day and exhale for the first time since walking into the office that morning. Also the hours sucked. Not sustainable, but something that I both excelled at and enjoyed in many ways!

4. I love you, Grace Rittenhouse!

5. I promise, I’m not crazy!

6. But if you tell me you have it will probably make me melt with equal parts embarrassment and happiness!