rules for etiquette
aka, how to be cool, chic, polite, well-mannered, fabulous, etc.
The other day began with “doing my daily rounds” at work, a practice where I visit various colleagues, distracting them from their tasks and fulfilling my role as the Gen-Z class clown of the office. I walked into one of my coworker’s offices to catch up and she immediately had an issue she wanted my take on.
Two friends of hers were visiting California on a trip from the Midwest. They invited my colleague and another friend to spend the night with them while on their trip, offering up their Airbnb.
They sent over the listing for the two bed, two bath house with a pool and large sunlit living room. For a group of four, the logical option would be assigning pairs to each bedroom. I nodded along. This all sounded kosher so far. But then, my coworker told me they were instead expected to sleep on a couch or two in the common area (reminder: windows everywhere), while the two other friends had their own bedrooms. On top of that, the Midwesterners expected my colleague and her friend to split the night of the Airbnb evenly. The alarm bells immediately sounded. She was peeved, but wondered if she was being too easily annoyed. My take?
It would be fair to evenly split that night of the Airbnb if the sleeping conditions were equal (i.e. two bedrooms with two people to a room).
If they had presented it differently, it might have been better: “Hey! We got this Airbnb and we’d love to hang for a night of our trip. You’re welcome to crash at the Airbnb, but we only have couches. If you’d be more comfortable, maybe you’ll want to look at some hotel options?”
But alas, my coworker was being asked to spend $100 to sleep on a stiff-looking couch in a sun-lit room. She and her friend decided against it, instead opting to get a hotel, but were left a bit miffed by the whole interaction.
This has been my saga of the week, one that inspired me to think about my own personal ideas around politeness, decorum, and general etiquette. So, without further ado, I present to you:
TJR’s Rules of Etiquette (in no particular order)
If you’re attending a birthday party, dinner party, etc. you should bring a host gift. Flowers, candles, wine, sweets. Empty-handed is not chic.
When you’re seated at a dinner, your phone should either be face-down on the table or out of sight. I assure you, most of your notifications and texts are not urgent. Don’t be an iPad kid.
Write thank-you notes always. Hand-written are always preferred.
Don’t Venmo the same $20 back and forth with a close friend. You’ll get them next time, or they’ll get you.
For catching up with friends or making plans, call over text always.
Show up “on time,” keeping in mind what that means for that particular occasion. If you’re meeting a friend for dinner, you need to be there right on time. If you’re with a group of friends heading to a house party, fashionably late is okay.
Don’t last minute cancel. If you have to, be completely honest. Being ill or something completely unexpected coming up is understandable. Just don’t make up a lame lie!
Hold the door open. Regardless of gender.
Don’t ask why someone isn’t drinking; some of my most fun friends aren’t big drinkers!
But, don’t shame someone for drinking - let me have my martini in peace!
Always introduce your friends to each other. And, give them a point of reference and something to talk about that they might have in common.
Offer to help clean up after a dinner or a party.
Be kind to service workers (waiters, baristas, receptionists, airline employees, etc.).
Don’t sit on someone’s bed with your outside clothes. Unless they give you permission.
Ask whether you should remove your shoes at someone’s home.
If someone has food in their teeth, tell them. And stick with them until they get it out!
Play TikToks, music, videos, etc. in your headphones. I do not want to hear more noise.
Wait to eat until everyone is served. Unless someone’s dish is taking an egregiously long time and they can snack on some bread in the interim.
Tip 20%. No less!
Ask for permission before posting photos of your friends on social media.
Don’t say yes if you don’t want to attend an event or plan. It’s much better to simply say no at the beginning rather than trudge through it. People can tell that you don’t want to be somewhere.
Let people know that they’re on speakerphone. It’s never fun to have unknown listeners.
If you’re the shortest, take the middle backseat in the car. Don’t make the tall people squeeze.
Don’t spoil a TV show or movie that’s come out within the last year. If it’s older, you should’ve seen it already. It’s in the public domain.
Don’t discuss upcoming plans in front of those who you’re not willing to invite. It’s not kind.
Be upfront with budgets, goals, and non-negotiables when planning travel with friends. Not all friends are the best travel companions if this doesn’t align.
Help your friends carry things into the house from their cars.
Offer to pick friends up from the airport when they come to town. Even LAX…
Take new coworkers to coffee to welcome them to your team. And give them the dirt on the team dynamics of course.
If you spill on someone’s outfit, offer to dry clean it for them. If you borrow clothes, return them clean!
Dress your best for the occasion. No leggings for a nice dinner. Dress up for meetings.
If you’re the person driving, you can yay or nay on music/be on AUX.
Share photos after you take them on your phone or camera.
Follow someone back on social media when you’ve met them multiple times and they request you. It’s just weird if you don’t!
Offer to pay on a first date. Chivalry isn’t dead.
Respond to emails and texts in a timely manner. You’re not too busy.
Let me know if you agree, disagree, or have any non-negotiable etiquette that I missed! Or, reach out if you ever want my take on your etiquette questions. Perhaps an Ask TJR series?
xoxo